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Sleepless attacks have returned again. For the past week or so, I haven’t been having the problem of disrupted night-time sleep until early this morning. I woke up at half past 1 in the morning to go to the toilet. When I returned to bed, I curled myself up against the nice, warm bed only to find sleep eluding me – again!
No sooner had I laid back on the bed, I felt two sharp jabs on my left abdominal wall. Elisha was awake! Oh dear! I quickly whispered to him that it was way past both our bedtimes, so won’t he please be good and go back to sleep so I could sleep too. And being the darling he is, his kicks eased into a gentle rolling in my tummy and I couldn’t feel him again. Baby Elisha was now asleep and what was his mummy doing?
Wide-eyed in bed. Mind racing. Random thoughts filtering in and out of my hazy sleep-deprived brain. Sometime in the midst of my semi-conscious state, I began to feel my tummy rumble. I tried to dismiss it by concentrating on getting my sleep. I refused to wake anymore muscles in my tired body. Alas! That did not work. When I finally decided to get out of bed to appease my appetite monster, I glanced at the clock. Horror of horrors!I was shocked that I had already stayed up for the good part of the entire wee hours! It was 4.40am when I went to fetch myself a snack of hot Milo and a SoyJoy raisin almond bar.
Argh! Fortunately, the warm drink and snack seem to work their magic and I was soon snoozing away soundly. I didn’t stir much for the rest of my sleep except to mutter an incoherent ‘goodbye’ to Roy when he left for work. However, I can feel the toll of the night’s disruption to my sleep cycle. I hope I can catch a good nap later in the afternoon before I get up to prepare dinner.
I just learned two new words – Inee and Outee – from my free weekly newsletter from Pregnancy Weekly. They are nouns used to describe the appearance of a belly button. An inee is a belly button that is inverted. An outee is its converse.
My belly button has been feeling rather taut and sometimes, sore, after a full meal. For a while, I was a bit concerned about what was happening to my belly button. But now, I feel so much better knowing that it is all part and parcel of pregnancy. The growing uterus presses against the belly button, making it pop out. So, my belly button is just on its way of becoming an outee. As far as I can see, it’s quarter-way there!
Our baby’s name, Elisha, has been inspired by a dream and three promises from God. But first, what does it mean?
Elisha: Its Biblical Significance
Elisha, pronounced Ee-LYE-Sher, is a Hebrew name that means ‘God is my salvation’. Elisha was a prophet of God in Old Testament Times. He was a faithful attendant to his master, the prophet Elijah. Before Elijah was taken up to heaven, Elisha asked for a double portion of his master’s spirit and he received from God. Elisha is said to be an even-tempered man, and his ministry a type of Jesus – one marked with mercy, and miracles accessible to common folk. So it is our hope and prayer that our son will be deeply filled with the Holy Spirit and be a minister of God’s compassion, grace and healing to all he meets.
Why Elisha?
Now, to explain the choice for our baby’s name properly, I have to skip back in time to late July 2007.
We were expecting our first child then. His name was Jaeden which means ‘The Lord has heard’. Jaeden probably went home to heaven when he was about 7 weeks old. We didn’t miss him till he was 10 weeks old. However, the strangest thing then was that I had a dream. I dreamt that I had two children – a boy of 4 or 5, and a nursing girl of 2. When I woke up from that dream, I told Roy that it was God’s way of reassuring me that I would not miscarry Jaeden. However, that was not so. In hindsight, I think it was God’s way of telling me that I would have children because the dream came after Jaeden had already left.
First, a dream…
It was a powerful dream. In that dream, I saw our son rushing forward to Pastor Raymond of Emmanuel AoG who had injured his back and was bent over in pain. The minute the little boy laid his hands on Pst Raymond, he was well again. The dream gave me two insights: (1) My eldest child would be a boy. (2) He would be God’s vessel of His healing grace.
Then, a word…
Of course, after I realised that Jaeden was gone on August 18, I felt the pain bitterly as I did not understand why I would have had such dream and still have my baby die. However, God , ever the compassionate Father, gave His comfort through my husband and a dear friend, Serena Koh-Lo. In a short span of 3 days after I had the D&C operation, both Roy and Serena told me separately that I would have a child again, and that child would have the double portion anointing. It was still difficult for me to receive this promise that I would have another child.
More reassurances…
On September 13, my soul and hope for a child was revived. I went for a bible study session at New Creation Church. The main thrust of that day’s teaching was about the Jubilee, with nothing to do with fertility or children. However, as Pastor Prince was expounding on the differences between commanded blessings and blessings received by faith, he made mention of how Elisha commanded the blessing of a son upon a Shunammite woman in 2 Kings 4:11-17. When Elisha called her and told her, “About this time next year, you will hold a son in your arms.” Her response was faithless. She had actually objected. “No, my lord. Don’t mislead your servant, O man of God!” Despite her faithlessness, she became pregnant and gave birth at about the same time the following year as Elisha had said. My first reaction was that I was as faithfless as that Shunammite woman. But if God did it for her, He could, and would, do it for me too. “God, help me in my unbelief!”
I walked out of that service and called Roy immediately. I told him, ” I am certain that we will have a son by this time next year because God told me so during the service.” Indeed, if you stop to check the calendar, this baby will arrive at about the same time this September. Isn’t God awesome?
Unfolding miracles…
This pregnancy has also been marked with physical threats of miscarriage. Actually, more than the previous one. These are quickly quelled by the reading of His Word as well as His promise to me at the year-end service at NCC. God had distinctly said to me, “I hurt when you hurt. That miscarriage was one too too many.” I know He will not let me lose this child again. Fears of abnormal foetal development have also assailed me. However, I know it never matters how I feel. What matters is the kind of God and Father He is. So I know that without a doubt, just as I’ve received this child in my womb, that He too will continue to perfect the growth of this baby.
To God be the glory; Great things has He done and continues to do!
I tried to post the scan videos of baby that day but it didn’t work because the file was too large. Until I figure that out, I shan’t describe the ecstasy of seeing a tiny human being do flips and turns inside me just yet.
Instead, let me share with you some pictures Roy and I took together recently. On Sunday, 13 April, we caught up with my long-lost friends from Melbourne Uni OCF (Overseas Christian Fellowship) and did a bit of sightseeing. Here are some of our pictures together, and might I also mention too that they are our first proper together photos in Macau! See if you can spot my 17+weeks-old baby belly!
Taken in the garden around the Old Taipa Buildings Museum area.
A pretty nice spot of dreamy conifers ( at least that is what I think those trees are…). Faye was the ‘artistic director’ of this shot. She thought it would be a great way to show off my baby belly. She even told Roy where to place his hands. Haha! Thanks, Faye!
Reclining comfortably on the busy steps leading up to the famous St Paul’s Ruins.
I wish my baby belly was more prominent.
I wish I looked more visibly pregnant.
I wish I could feel Baby kick and wiggle inside me already.
I wish I looked more visibly pregnant.
I wish I could feel Baby kick and wiggle inside me already.
My wishes for a more prominent pregnant tummy may sound strange.
But you know, I do enjoy this belly ballooning process.
Never have I felt so liberated to enjoy this shape-changing, weight-gaining process.
I am thankful that I haven’t lost my waistline yet. My arms are still relatively slim. My chest is getting fuller as are my hips. Some rounding up of my previously flat bum. These all add up to a more shapely figure, and I am secretly happy with my figure now.
So in my opinion, I think my figure now is even better than before I was pregnant.
I mean, before I was pregnant, I had ’spare tyres’ of blubber sitting about my waist. What excuse had I except poor diet and non-existent exercise?
Now the blubber store is pretty much still there but thanks to the growing baby in the uterus, that blubber has been more evenly distributed. No more jiggly belly parts, just one nice rounded bump. And no one can call me ‘fat’ right now, can they?
I’m growing a baby inside me so it would just be plain rude if anyone dared call me fat.
Something else I just realised too about the beauty of being pregnant is that all the clothes that used to be a bit too unflattering on my flab now looks fabulous. They show off the curves in the right places.
So truly, I’ve been yet enlighted about another wonderful aspect of being pregnant.
All preggies belly up! ‘Cos your baby belly transforms your body from FLAB to FABULOUS!
Yes, a potential slogan for a ‘Have more babies’ campaingn in this ‘Yummy Mummy’ crazy world, don’t you think?
‘Bu’ – a Chinese word that means ‘to nourish’.
I am so pleased with myself. I successfully brewed a nice pot of hashima at home! I was amazed at how a little pinch of the sweet smelling dehydrated lumps became large gelatinous gobs covering half the soup pot.
Hashima are secretions derived from a wood frog’s fallopian tubes. It sounds rather appalling, doesn’t it? Well, I’m Chinese after all so it takes quite lot more than eating genetalia and the like to scare me off. It is suppposed to be good for the complexion as well as the lungs. It is supposed to have many vitamins and minerals that are beneficial to the baby. Hashima is really quite tasteless on its own so even though the thought of its origin might make you squirm, you would probably find it easy to swallow.
So my dearest baby, I hope you’ll enjoy the benefits of hashima too!
Thank God for husbands who are able to help wives keep perspective in an body-image-crazy world.
I especially love my husband because he thinks that the ‘Yummy Mummy’ craze is just plain ridiculous. And he would take the pains to highlight why to me. And he did it even before he would see his own wife begin to balloon with a baby.
Yesterday was the first time in this pregnancy I actually started feeling fat. When I told him so, he so very sincerely and sweetly said, “You’re not fat. You’re pregnant and you’re lovely.” Aww…
I love him so. We both can’t wait to meet each other next Friday in Macau. It would have been 3 months since we last saw each other. I could never imagine a guy being so excited about his wife putting on pounds and looking rounder. But well, I know my husband isn’t just any guy so that is why he is so eager to see my baby belly.
Thank you Father for my wonderful husband!
Baby just received his/her first set of hand-me-downs from a baby friend who is 10-months-old and who will also be moving to Macau! I met his parents through a long-time friend, Li Yen, from Melbourne. Both Hong Fa and Joyce happen to also live in the same neighbourhood as us in Singapore, and we shall also be soon living in the same neighbourhood in Taipa, Macau.
These hand-me-downs were a very nice surprise because I hadn’t been expecting them. So the first set of items Baby has are a 2-in-1 seat carrier as well as a playmat. God’s so good, as always! Oh actually, they are the second! I forgot that I had bought some things for Baby up in Shenzhen in January, even before I knew I was pregnant. It was kind of a faith action really because at that time I was feeling a little discouraged over trying to conceive. So when I saw this tiny adorable bib that said ‘Thank God for little babies’, I decided it would be a great thing to hang around my house to remind myself of God’s September baby promise in 2007. Well so final count of Baby’s possessions now stands at 4 – baby bib, Pooh bear booties, seat and playmat.
Oh me! Oh my! The dreaded pregnancy cravings have HIT me today!
I had a slow start to the day – only eating a bowl of tau huay slushed with tau huay jwee (that is, soya bean curd and soya bean drink) for breakfast at 11am. Well, that soon changed because at at 1pm, I decided to empty my entire purchase of Yong Tau Foo along with the remainder half-pack of udon into a pot of Knorr ikan-billis flavoured soup. After cooking, I promptly devoured every bit of the 10 Yong Tau Foo pieces and udon. That should have been enough, but of course it wasn’t. So I decided to walk down to Prima Deli across the road to redeem my $6 cake voucher. I very nearly gave in to my craving for chocolate fudge cake, but seeing that I should try to take better care of my cough, I opted for a pandan kaya fudge cake instead and a peach danish. Of course, the pandan kaya cake is not entirely good for me because it has egg and dairy ingredients which according to TCM does my cough no good. But well, better egg than chocolate that is probably heaty. That is, according to Sarah’s rationale anyways. 
Upon reaching home, I cut myself a nice slice of pandan kaya and gobbled it up in a minute. I had wanted to attack the peach danish next, and down a cup of nice, fragrant Earl Grey Tea. The thoughts of sugar-overloading my system and contributing towards unsightly weight gain stopped me in time. And so this is why I’m blogging about this to try distract myself from my appetite monster. Distraction is supposed to help fight the cravings as does drinking lots of water…unfortunately, in my case neither seem to be working. Even as I am writing, this computer screen seems to be flashing a wallpaper of pandan kaya slices and plump peach danishes at me. Ahhhh!!!! Someone save me from sugar craving!
The past month has been somewhat of a sluggish memory. Massive hormonal changes and the resultant fatigue aside, I think I have just simply been a couch/bed potato. With no real income-generating work bearing down on me, I have been largely left to my self-motivating devices to fill my days. And as you can tell, I haven’t been doing very much. Even writing this blog faithfully has been a struggle. My baby journal has also been left neglected on my dining table.
Now that I am out of my first trimester, fatigue has largely worn off as has the nausea. So really, I ought to be bouncing around a lot more doing what I ought to be doing to make good use of my alone time like housework ( see my grimace), working on my writing ideas, reading, praying…the list of productive things I could be doing goes on. For a while, my state of workless-ness started to bug me and I felt a little useless. That kind of changed yesterday.
Yesterday, I went to Tampines Regional Library and decided to pick up books on infant development. I found one titled ‘Growing Babies -Should under-3s go to nursery?’. Written based on research from UK, US and Europe, the book presents a strong case for why nursery care should be limited, and ideally, children to not be subjected to it. The best care an under-3 could receive would be from her parent. I’m halfway through the book now. What struck me as I started reading the book was this wave of encouragement and thankfulness that I am amongst the privileged few Asian women who would be able to be a stay-home mum with the full support of the husband. I am also so thankful for Roy who doesn’t pressure me to go get work and is willing to bear the responsibility of being the family’s sole breadwinner.
The book also reminded me of a conviction I had developed in my mid-20s toward parenting and mothering – that there is indeed no greater responsibility, no greater challenge than raising my own children well. I had forgotten that I had always said that I would want to stay home to raise my own children for at least the first 5 years of their lives. And here was the opportunity to do just that. God remembered my heart’s desire when I had forgotten.
Of course, I am well aware that the life of a stay-home mum is not going to be a rose-dressed one with every day going to be perfect. I am one who has struggled over the years to learn to detach my sense of self-worth from my work. I get a huge sense of satisfaction from being involved in meaningful projects. I love to work. Now, however, I have to redefine my priorities. To do so, I have to begin revisiting and reviewing my personal beliefs and values about parenting.
I realise that to be a happy stay-home mum, and to be able to raise a healthy and happy child, I have to work through my own issues with not earning an independent income constantly. I am aware that there will be times that I will have to choose between my wants and my child’s needs. There will always be choices to be made. But as a stay-home mother-to-be/mother, the web of consequences to the choices have become more complex. I have no doubt that there will be times that I have to struggle with making sacrifices on my end so that my child will have access to better care.
As the book puts it, there is no such thing as ‘child-free parenting’. Married couples make a decision to have children and that should mean that children should become a priority. Changes have to be made to the couple’s lifestyles when children enter the marriage. That doesn’t mean that the marriage and family will be dictated by the children’s needs but it most certainly does mean that their needs need to be considered by parents.
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