Wise Words

A Parent’s Prayer
Anonymous

Help me give my children the best not of trappings or toys,
but of myself, cherishing them on good days and bad,
theirs and mine.

Teach me to accept them for who they are, not for what they do;
to listen to what they say, if only so they will listen to me;
to encourage their goals, not mine;
and please, let me laugh with them and be silly.

Let me give them a home where respect is the cornerstone,
integrity the foundation,
and there is enough happiness to raise the roof.

May I give them the courage to be true to themselves;
the independence to take care of themselves
and the faith to believe in a power much greater than their own.

See that I discipline my children without demeaning them,
demand good manners without forgetting my own
and let them know they have limitless love,
no matter what they do.

Let me feed them properly, clothe them adequately and have enough to give
them small allowances…
not for the work they do but the pleasure they bring…
and let me be moderate in all these things,
so the joy of getting will help them discover the joy of giving.

This is an elegant summary of what we hope to be able to provide all of our children.
We know we will not be perfect parents, but we will do our best to be praying parents.
We may not be wealthy, but we will always remember that we are rich. Because being rich is a state of mind. We will do our best to always point our children to be aware and thankful of all the good things we have rather than what we or they have not.

The Parent’s Race

Believe it or not, I may only be 15 weeks pregnant now but I have already been hit by anxiety attacks regarding my child’s education. When I was a mere 7 weeks pregnant, I was suddenly gripped by this fascination with pre-natal learning theories and programmes. I was spending so much time at home because of the doctor’s bedrest orders that I decided to do research on infant books for my future baby-and-me time when I came across links to pre-natal learning books on Amazon. And I, the one who prides herself in advocating a holistic approach to child development and not mere intellectual growth, I was amazed and stunned by the vast number of devices that promised to help our young secure access to genius and success from the earliest time possible, which in their terms meant from the time they are about 18 weeks old in the womb.

There are recordings you could wear around your tummy to supposedly help the vital thinking and learning synapses form in your babies’ brains, making them more intelligently-wired sooner. I nearly wanted to invest $250 in one of those because I thought it was a paltry sum to pay for the benefits that my child would reap. I even considered the Glenn-Doman package so that my child could have a headstart in reading and earlier access to the knowledge pool. Recently, there has been an enrichment school advertising heavily on TV. Based on the work of a Japanese researcher, the Shichida method claims that it develops balanced and creative individuals and is able to help even children from 18months of age maximise their brain development and grow into geniuses. So it seems that it is not just the primary children who are facing tremendous performance stress for the 10-years of compulsory education, they have to contend with the pressure from a younger age. Even the infants are not spared.

The education enrichment companies play on a very real Achilles’ heel of most parents, that is to provide the best for their child. In today’s economy, the smarts are a very real asset. So which parent wouldn’t want their child to be a genius? But every parent who desires to help raise geniuses should also perhaps consider asking themselves the next two questions – How do I , not the society, define a genius? What are the non-material costs of raising a genius – to the child as well as the parent? These are the two questions I have, and still am, asking of myself as I realise that it is so easy to be waylaid by the wonderful child-growth programmes being touted by educational companies that are backed up by research and thus look oh-so-professional. All the stuff I was reading about these fantastic genius-making gizmos seemed to be all so good. This is my child and of course, I want the BEST for my child.

But what is really the best for my child? The best for a child shouldn’t be just based on what I as a parent, an adult think or feel about what I would like my child to have. It should also be balanced with what the child needs to develop into a healthy, happy and well-balanced individual. So what does a child need? The latest educational programmes in Singapore like MindChamps and Shichida say that this 21st century is the century of the Mind and a child needs to be taught to tap into the power of the mind. To quote Professor Makato Shichida, “Rearing children with enormous ability, rich creativity, and the capability to make use of high proportion of their brain should be the goal of child rearing.” Note how the professor co-relates child-rearing with the main goal of brain/cognitive development. But where is the place of important values like love, compassion, kindness, optimisim, hope in this concept of child rearing?

Psychologist Steve Biddulph sums up my sentiments quite nicely when he says, “We worry about our children learning piano or maths, when the really important lessons – happiness, calm and optimisim – can be totally neglected or even damaged by our misplaced efforts.” I am not against the need to develop the intellectual capacities of our children but I believe that the emphasis on cognitive development must be balanced with an equal emphasis on the affective, psychomotor, social and spiritual aspects of the child. I believe that these educational professionals can never, and should never, replace the vital role of the parent in inculcating values and the sense of self-worth in every child. I also believe that the parents’ love and unconditional acceptance and celebration of who the child is will serve a a bedrock for the child’s well-balanced growth in all aspects.

I mean, who really wants to see our society full of brilliant minds who are cold, cruel, self-seeking, egoistic and mercenary? But that would be the kind of society we might all contribute to creating if we simply agree with the educational entities to grow the minds without us striving to help our children balance their growing mind with the cultivation of their hearts and spirits.

As parents, we have probably the singular most powerful influence on the kinds of values our children will develop and these values are in turn determined by how we determine successful parenting. Technically speaking, I may not be a parent yet because my child is still growing in my womb, but I have chosen to think of myself as a parent already because I realise that I have to start working out my system of parenting values along with my husband. There are so many value-based decisions that my husband and I will have to make, or at least start thinking about, before we actually hit the crossroads in the journey where they have to be taken. As I reflect on my values, I have realised to my horror that I was taken by the pre-natal learning programmes because of my own selfish need to be affirmed as a ‘great parent’ and not so much wanting the best for my child.

Last but not least, I am glad I have decided not to buy the pre-natal learning kits. I thought about it again yesterday and I figured that if pre-natal learning programmes were really necessary, God would have included that some sound-playing device in our female bodies to help our babies grow. But since He didn’t, my baby probably doesn’t need them either.

Homebound & Perfectly Content

The past month has been somewhat of a sluggish memory. Massive hormonal changes and the resultant fatigue aside, I think I have just simply been a couch/bed potato. With no real income-generating work bearing down on me, I have been largely left to my self-motivating devices to fill my days. And as you can tell, I haven’t been doing very much. Even writing this blog faithfully has been a struggle. My baby journal has also been left neglected on my dining table.

Now that I am out of my first trimester, fatigue has largely worn off as has the nausea. So really, I ought to be bouncing around a lot more doing what I ought to be doing to make good use of my alone time like housework ( see my grimace), working on my writing ideas, reading, praying…the list of productive things I could be doing goes on. For a while, my state of workless-ness started to bug me and I felt a little useless. That kind of changed yesterday.

Yesterday, I went to Tampines Regional Library and decided to pick up books on infant development. I found one titled ‘Growing Babies -Should under-3s go to nursery?’. Written based on research from UK, US and Europe, the book presents a strong case for why nursery care should be limited, and ideally, children to not be subjected to it. The best care an under-3 could receive would be from her parent. I’m halfway through the book now. What struck me as I started reading the book was this wave of encouragement and thankfulness that I am amongst the privileged few Asian women who would be able to be a stay-home mum with the full support of the husband. I am also so thankful for Roy who doesn’t pressure me to go get work and is willing to bear the responsibility of being the family’s sole breadwinner.

The book also reminded me of a conviction I had developed in my mid-20s toward parenting and mothering – that there is indeed no greater responsibility, no greater challenge than raising my own children well. I had forgotten that I had always said that I would want to stay home to raise my own children for at least the first 5 years of their lives. And here was the opportunity to do just that. God remembered my heart’s desire when I had forgotten.

Of course, I am well aware that the life of a stay-home mum is not going to be a rose-dressed one with every day going to be perfect. I am one who has struggled over the years to learn to detach my sense of self-worth from my work. I get a huge sense of satisfaction from being involved in meaningful projects. I love to work. Now, however, I have to redefine my priorities. To do so, I have to begin revisiting and reviewing my personal beliefs and values about parenting.

I realise that to be a happy stay-home mum, and to be able to raise a healthy and happy child, I have to work through my own issues with not earning an independent income constantly. I am aware that there will be times that I will have to choose between my wants and my child’s needs. There will always be choices to be made. But as a stay-home mother-to-be/mother, the web of consequences to the choices have become more complex. I have no doubt that there will be times that I have to struggle with making sacrifices on my end so that my child will have access to better care.

As the book puts it, there is no such thing as ‘child-free parenting’. Married couples make a decision to have children and that should mean that children should become a priority. Changes have to be made to the couple’s lifestyles when children enter the marriage. That doesn’t mean that the marriage and family will be dictated by the children’s needs but it most certainly does mean that their needs need to be considered by parents.

Bless You, Our Little Marvel

A baby is God’s opinion that the world should go on.

Never will a time come when the most marvellous recent invention

is as marvellous as a newborn baby.

Carl Sandburg (1878 – 1967)

To our dearest baby,

Though we cannot see you nor hold you just yet,

we know you are beautiful and wonderful.

You are growing more and more incredible

with every passing day.

As God’s hands ever so delicately shape you,

we know you are just simply perfect –

in form, stature and spirit.

God spoke His Word and you were formed.

His Word will continue to give strength

to your tender flesh,

and breathe health into your bones.

Little one, though you are still tiny,

you already have a big destiny.

Something God has determined that

no one else but you are able to fulfil.

Even now as you are living in my womb,

your destiny is already unfolding,

and your wisdom in the ways of God growing.

For it is His very life that flows in you.

Your daddy and I cannot wait to hold you,

and help you live the life God has in store for.

But as we wait, we are praying for you

Each and every day.

So until we have you in our arms,

we want you to know that you are already in our hearts.

We love you, precious little one.

We cannot wait to welcome you into our home.

With lots of love,

Your mummy