Apprehensions

The last two weeks have been filled with interesting conversations and thoughts about parenthood.

I think both of us realise the weighty responsibility we already have on our hands as we are about to receive our little one into our family. However, each of us are processing it differently. Here are some snippets of our many thoughts:

1. Freedom to Let Our Child Be

Two weekends ago, I remember a pillow conversation that got me thinking about how much freedom I could give my child to be he is. Roy asked me a startling question: What if our son wants to explore an alternative sexual lifestyle? My first reaction was, “Of course we would have to teach him about sexuality and help him develop a healthy sexuality.” Roy pressed on. “Yes, but what if he wants to explore.”

I kept silent. I think I mumbled a “Then we will really have to pray very hard.” And I left it as that for the night. However, I was shaken. Not because I was repulsed by the thought of homosexuality, but I was more challenged by the thought that sexual choices aside, there would be a gazillion things that our children would challenge us on. How prepared and able am I to handle these? How do I raise our children with a set of desired values, without putting a authoritarian damper on their unique characters? How to be a loving, supportive parent without being a laissez-faire libertine?

The truth is I’m not very sure how or what I might do in those instances where I or we might be challenged to the core by our child’s choices and actions. However, that is something I know we ought to consider now.

2. Being Accepting versus Supportive

Is there a difference between being an accepting and being a supportive parent? Well, Roy and I agree that there is a significant difference.

Being accepting means an agreement or consensus between us and our child about the validity or desirability of his choices and actions. However, this will not be possible all the time. And I suspect, rare occurrences. To me, being accepting is a rather passive approach and in certain extreme circumstances, maybe even a bit fatalistic in the ‘If I can beat them, join them’ sort of way.

Being supportive, on the other hand, allows for the differences in opinions and perspectives but gives the allowance of space and mutual respect. Simplistically, it may be ‘Agreeing to disagree’. In reality, there is more than that. It is about allowing the room for both sides to be heard. For us as parents to explain why do not do agree, but to also communicate to him that while we do not agree, we will still be here or there for him without the ‘I-told-you-so’s. When the child falls down, even though we suspected it might happen and have given fair warning, we will still be committed to be there to help him pick himself up again.

Roy shared with me that during his growing up years, he had made some choices that obviously did not sit well with his parents. He knew that while his parents found it hard to accept his choices, they were still highly supportive of him. It is what he appreciates most of his parents.

Likewise, the both of us would like to be able to be supportive parents as well.

3. Will We Be Good Parents?

The BIGGEST and MOST FEARSOME QUESTION OF ALL! Will Roy and I be good parents to our children? Roy has been raising up this question at least thrice the time I’ve been here. In contrast, I haven’t given it any thought. It is not that I don’t care. Perhaps, I have come to the conclusion that I am not a perfect parent but at least I’m glad I’m not in it alone. Or perhaps because I have been more consumed with the micro facets of this question like ‘How do I help Roy and Elisha bond long distance, pre and post-pregnancy?’, ‘How should I eat better?’

This question came up again late last night in bed. My response to Roy this time was, “I think you will make a better parent than I will.” Oops! Wrong answer. Roy sprung up from his pillow and his eyes were wide open and anxious. “What?! What do you mean?”

I repeated my response again. Wrong choice again. It got him more worked up. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

“It scares me to hear my wife say that she doesn’t think she will be a good parent!” he exasperated. I had to correct him, “No, I didn’t say I think I will be a lousy parent. But I think you will just make a better parent than I will.”

“Why?” he asked. I stared at him blankly and smiled.

“Why do you think that?” he asked again. Obviously, he needed a response that I didn’t have prepared right at that moment.

“Er…just because I think so lor,” I said. It didn’t work quite well. So I had to try a different strategy. I rebuffed him with a ‘Oh actually, now that I think of it…I would be a better parent because…….blah-blah-blah.” Well, that didn’t work well either I think because I think I drove him into deeper introspection about his own parenting competency.

Finally, I tried to divert his attention from this question with a “Why are you so worried?” It was a successful diversion! Roy had no answer to my question either. I guess, this is just again one of the things that catches every parent-to-be sometime before the arrival of their child.

Now that I’ve had some time to think, I think I’ve figured out why I think Roy would make a better parent than I. (Honey, this is for you…so please read this carefully!)

Why Roy Would Make A Better Parent:

Firstly, because he is more compassionate a person than I am. I don’t take nonsense lightly and I fear that I can be rather strict.

Roy is more tolerant of differences than I. He is a bit more respectful of different opinions and perspectives than I.

Roy is a naturally optimistic and confident person whereas I am more introspective and melancholic. His never-say-die and never-say-cannot kind of gung-ho spirit is what continually draws me to him, and I’m sure is what our children all need.

Roy is naturally more spiritual than I am. He just has more of an intuitive spirit that is keyed in to the unseen aesthetics of life. I can’t quite explain it but I just think he has it more together than I have. You know that bridging between the different aspects of life and living. He sees, experiences and relates to God in a very unpretentious,yet all the more potent, manner. Something that I feel that I am still learning about.

I’m really glad I’m not alone on this parenting journey. Not only do I have a wonderful partner in Roy, I know that we also have a perfect role model and guide from our Heavenly Father too.

Restless

In contrast to the little bee inside me,I’ve been rather restless. Not writing the blog much at all. First it was the tiresome thought of having to grapple with a new blog template. (Why did I think I had to migrate to WordPress?) Then, there was just sheer lethargy. Not that I had that much to sap my energies. Just probably pure slothfulness in action.

Today marks the last day of 28 days in Macau. I’m not elated to leave as I had anticipated when I first arrived. In fact, I am eager to get back here next Thursday to be with Roy. To discover the hidden treasures Macau expertly hides from pit-stop tourists. To shop!

Admittedly, I didn’t think much of Macau until I discovered the shopping bargains she offers. Call me a typical Singaporean or woman – whatever. But Macau is truly a WONDERFUL place for shopping! Well, not for everything, but at least what I’m interested in right now – baby clothes! I chanced upon the wonderful wealth of branded factory overruns that day I took Bart and Renita out to Senado Square. Oh joy of joys! I didn’t go bonkers with shopping but I did have a really swell time. And I think that very encounter with the warehouse outlets was the turning point in my attitude towards Macau. I came home that night with my mini loot and promptly added to my MSN and FB that “I am ALREADY in love with Macau.”

Yes, the power of shopping indeed.