It has been almost everything but uneventful in our journey towards parenthood.

Our first encounter with parenthood came at the end of June 2007. The excitement of being pregnant very soon gave away to grief unimaginable as we lost our first child, Jaeden, unexpectedly in August. Thereafter, there began a very hard struggle for faith and trust in the God who is always good.

Not for one minute did I ever consider labelling God as unfair and cruel. I have had been saved from the brink of self-destruction to know better. However, I was thrown into a constant storm of confusion by conflicting condolences extended to me by well-meaning Christians. I had questions as to why my prayers for my baby then had not been answers. I had questions about myself and what kind of person I was that perhaps caused God to not save when I called. I had questions about my very own faith – Have I misunderstood God and His promises? Was losing this child part of God’s plan for me, for us? If so, how do I reconcile that to my understanding that Jesus heals all? I could not come to terms with the idea that God had allowed us the joy of becoming parents only to snatch it away from us so suddenly and so soon.

And all I was hearing from these well-meaning Christians, though sincere, did not help me understand my situation of loss and grief any better. If anything, what I heard them say about God and why He allowed my child to die made me feel even more sick with pain. Two respected leaders in a church told me things that started me spinning down the tunnel of theological trouble. One had prayed along the lines of , “Father, we know that sometimes miscarriage is nature’s way of dealing with abnormalities… So let your will be done.” Another told me that perhaps I had twisted God’s word to fit my own desires for the child, and God had never meant for my child to live beyond those 7 weeks.

I was seriously confused: What about the scriptures that said that miscarriage was a curse of sin from which Jesus Himself had removed from us at the Cross? What about God’s promise that “none should miscarry nor be barren” and that “the fruit of the womb is blessed”? All these scriptures about healthy pregnancies, health and healing I have read and come to believe to be true in the Bible didn’t tally up with what they were saying. Read the Gospels and you see a Jesus who healed all who needed healing and all who came to Him. Not once did He turn anyone away. The famous Isaiah 53 line that reads “By His wounds, we are healed.” A definite pronouncement of our healing in Jesus – we are, have been made well. But what these Christian leaders, with all their years of faith and theological training, seem to be telling me otherwise. God, help!

God did help me sort out my questions and confusions, and He still is. Now in my second pregnancy, faced again with symptoms of threatened miscarriage, I am better equipped for this journey towards a joy fulfilled. I have been reading the Bible and thus far, what I have read re-emphasises my belief in a God who is always Good, always true to His promises, and most of all, full of compassion for people, for me.

As I lie in bed assailed by thoughts of a possible miscarriage, I find strength from reading about the miracles of Jesus. All four gospels reveal a Jesus who always desired to heal the sick and diseased, and He always did. I was stunned to see Him heal even those who did not first ask for forgiveness ( John 5:7 -14). Instead, He first healed them and then advised “Sin no more lest something worse comes upon you.” He told his disciples when he sent them out to villages to “heal all who need healing” and then after healing, say “The Kingdom of God is near you.” The Kingdom of God is one of health and goodness, not one where health is withheld to keep a person in greater humility or to punish him. If those people healed were not even first believers in Jesus, how much more then shall anyone who believes that Jesus is the Son of God and that He died for their sins can receive this healing and health! Health and healing are blood-bought rights of the children of God.

What amazes me again is that Jesus says that all we ask Him and believe, we will receive.(Mark 11:22 -24) So simple – just believe and do not doubt and we will receive. Too simple that it is hard to do. With doubt, prayers cannot be answered. With faith, mountains can be moved. No wonder then that at Jairus’ home, Jesus kicked out all who mocked and laughed at him when he said, “His daughter is not dead; she is only sleeping.” And he only allowed the girls’ parents, his three disciples to remain in the room with Him as He worked His miracle and brought her back to life. (Mark 6:35-42)

And no wonder why Smith Wigglesworth could not stand the prayers of well-meaning Christians who prayed for comfort and strength to face death and those who would be soon beareaved instead of healing. Wigglesworth even went as far as to pray for the Lord to stop their prayers. http://www.smithwigglesworth.com/life/healing.htm Undoubtedly, Wigglesworth, a great healing preacher, had probably learned well from the Bible and Jesus that when we pray, we have to believe. How to see healing happen and health restored if we do not first believe that Jesus can and will! We cannot have half-hearted measures of faith and trust can be taken with God. For if we ask for anything that we can conceive possible with our human minds, what then is the need for faith in a divine higher being?

So for Roy and I, we have decided that we cannot and will not limit God to our experiences and circumstances. But instead, fix our eyes on God and His Word. And as we pray now for the healthy growth and safe delivery of our new baby, we stand upon our Rock, Jesus, that because of what He has done for us on the cross, we can receive His blessings. Our family is defintely one of these blessings He has bought with His blood and bestowed upon us when we were adopted as His children the moment we belived. I do not understand why Jaeden went to paradise so soon, and may never. But now for this baby I am carrying, I have no doubt that God’s will is for him/her to be a full-term baby and to be healthy and satisfy him/her with long life. Why? Because the word of God says so, and it shall be so. None shall miscarry nor be barren. We have been redeemed from the curses of sin once and for all by Jesus.

Thank You Father for your unfailing love. Thank you for giving us this joy that comes from knowing that your love for us is perfect!